Living and Growing

When I was a little girl, I thought about how I was NOT going to be like my parents. I was not going to be divorced. I was not going to make those mistakes. I would grow up, work hard, love my work and marry my soul mate.  We would have three children. That was my plan. Well, I did study hard and then I worked hard.  I am well educated. I have traveled the world. I have ridden on elephants in Chang Mai and floated leisurely on a boat in Capri. I have dined at a café in Portofino and I have swam in the cool, azure waters off the coast of Bodrum in Turkey.

Life was going according to plan, I met a man, fell in love and married who I thought was my soul mate. We quickly started our family. What I did not know at the time, was that while I got married, my “soul mate” kept dating.

Well, here I am at 41. I am divorced and I have a young daughter. I am however very aware that I am Not my parents.  To say that I am, would be a fallacy. They did a great job with what they had. We are very different and we are strong in different ways.

Yes, I am divorced.  Yes, I have a young daughter. Yes, I have had huge heartbreak - But I have hope. I have resilience and I have faith. Did my mother teach me these things? In some ways yes she did. She did so not knowingly and I am grateful for those nuggets of wisdom. The things she tried to “teach” me were based in fear. I am happy to know that I have grown away from fear and grown into my acceptance of myself. The good parts, and the shortcomings.  I am growing like a sturdy, olive tree.  Gnarled branches in some spots but able to produce delicious fruit.

I know that for the early stages of my five-year long divorce, my personal growth stalled.  I was in survival mode. I felt that so much had been taken from me. I felt like my voice was taken during the long drawn out battle of divorce. I felt that my finances were taken, my identity taken, my dream of being a wife with a family and the good life – whatever that means was taken.

My body taken, my ideas taken, my ability to create taken. Where did it go?  Where did I go? I went up. Up into my head and deep inside my heart. I did not like what I saw. So I have been taking the long haul into rebuilding and redoing and repainting as it were the colors of my world.  A college fling once sent me a love note and ended it with this statement, “ Create the world you want to live in. Paint it, Make it. Be it.” For years I carried that note in my wallet until it started to tatter and tear. I lost track of that note and of the college fling.  But the message rings in my ears daily. DM wherever you are ~ Thank you. Little did you know that 15 years later those words would help me to grow and change and love and hope again.

I continue to grow for my own sake but also for the sake of my child. To show her a strong, happy, thriving woman who has passion and lust for life. Who gets the job done and who has time to be happy and excited about what lies ahead. This business of life is a tricky, slippery business. You can fall off the path and then when you get back on, it brings you to such a different place. It takes effort and a lot of faith. There are days I cry but I keep going. Am I a fool? Who’s to say? I call it living and growing.

Text and photography copyright 2012 by SMLLMS, all rights reserved